It’s Blogficcial: Republicans Are Trying to Republicon Their Way Into Office
By Your Faithful General, George Washington
Yo, yo, America. I bid you a somber buenos dias this morning from the deck of the Queen Mary in sunny Long Beach, CA. For those of you who don’t know, the Queen Mary is a Titanic-sized cruise ship from the 1930’s that we str8 up commandeered from that royal bitch, Queen Elizabeth, and made into a highly profitable hotel. That makes it one of my favorite places on Earth. I ghostported down to the Queen Mary for a smid bit of inspiration. Oh, snap, you Americanos say. “Why would the true ghost of George Washington need some inspiration? I’ll tell you why. Because the infighting on Capitol Hill is continuing to FUBAR this place beyond recognition. And it’s starting to make me mad. The latest offense I’ve noticed: The 2012 Republican Hopefuls are str8 up trying to Republicon their way into office.
Amigos, I look at public office like I look at public restrooms. I don’t care what you do while you’re in there, I care that you try and leave it just as clean as you found it. Like never before, I fear this 2012 crop of Republicans is going to stink up our foremost public office like a trucker after a four-day meth binge and a bean eating contest. Why? Because in all their recent debates and douchetastic public appearances, the budding republican candidates have made one thing and one thing only very clear: They don’t care who you elect. They just care that you don’t re-elect Obama. This near-sided negativity is preposterous. The American people don’t want to elect another “lesser of two evils” candidate. They want to elect a leader with an actual plan for change.
However, from Romney, to the Guy who looks like Romney, to the other guy who looks like Romney, to the Bachpalin twins, to Jowls McGingrich and even Runt Paul—they’ve all said the same thing: “The number one thing we can do in 2012 is defeat Obama.” That’s not a fix it plan, that’s a fuck it plan. They didn’t say: “Hey, America, elect me because I’ve got the plumbing skillz to unclog this leaking public toilet.” They said, “Hey America I see your toilet there is clogged because the government has taken giant deuces in it for decades. I don’t have a plunger right now, but see that black guy over there trying to take a balanced approach to unclogging the toilet so innocent people don’t get unnecessarily shat upon—yeah, the guy with the big ears. Fuck it. It’s his fault. Look at how much poop he has on his hands. Ohhhh! He’s got so much poop on his hands, he’s a lyin’ Hawaiian Islamo-facio-terrorist socialist! Get him, Man!”
America, while it’s hard to call Obama’s first term a success, it’s important to realize that this toilet was clogged long before he hope-hopped his way into office. So I’m everso sorry, but arguing that removing Obama from office will fix anything on it’s own is nothing more than a con. Until any one of you GOP hopefuls are willing to take off your blazers, roll up your sleeves, point your fingers away from Obama and into the stopped up latrine that is America, you might as well do what both me and Obama’s favorite rapper Ludacris says and “Move bitch, get out the way. Get out the way, bitch, get out the way.” Because that’s all you are: an unlicensed beeeyotch standing in the way of much-needed bipartisan progress.