A Republican Guide to Containing Your Excitement for Obama’s Jobs Speech
By Your Faithful General, George Washington
Throughout my 13 blogposts nearly one million comments have been made. More than I like to admit have called me a pinko-leftist-wacko who’d be more suitable blogging for the soon-to-be-ghost of Jimmy Carter than the GR8 General George Washington, whom I am. One time disgraced governor Arnold Shwartzinhessian even called me “The Marxinator”. I resent those remarks like Sean Hannity resents poor people. Fair and balanced is my middle fucking name.
In this week’s blog, I prove these H8ERS wrong by offering a right-brained point of view on this country’s dismal job situation, and even offer a little advice on what the republicans can do to turn this tragedy into a golden opportunity.
For reasons unbenounced to any logical man, last week President Obama, announced he is going to give a nationally televised ‘Job creation speech’ on September 8th. Why he decided to do this? I have no idea. His record on Job creation is horrible, and his prospects for making it better are awful. And worst of all, it’s basically become the only thing the American people give two shats about aside from who won which VMA and what Kris Jenner plans to do about the backfat she recently sprouted. I’m not sure what Obama’s reason is behind his decision to give this speech, but I can guarantee you it is a stupid one. He’s literally handing the Republicans a bat, jumping up on a tee and telling them to aim for his asshole. Because no matter what he says in this speech, the Republicans are going to swing for the fences, and someone is going to inevitable hit a high fly ball deep to center field. I don’t care who the Dems have in the outfield, or how many steroids they’ve injected. This one’s a homerun for the republicans all the way.
And the Republicans will be kind of right. Because Obama has no plan to create jobs. What’s he gonna say? Raise taxes? Nice try bro. That’s not a jobs plan, that’s just wishful thinking. If Obama did have a viable plan, he would’ve enacted it a long ass time ago. Because creating jobs is what’ll get him reelected, not this lefty social agenda mumbo jumbo. I mean we’re all psyched for Adam to marry Steve. But making sure they don’t end up selling each other’s kidneys to make ends meet is a little more important. However, Obama’s spent too much of his term worrying about the social issues while the big essential issues like the economy and wars continue to kick the American people in the balls too many times for them to care. And it’s the republicans that can benefit most from this blunder.
But in order for republicans to take full advantage of this absolutely shithouse idea by Obama, they are going to have to contain themselves for like an entire week and not give the voters or the Dems any undue credibility. While it sounds easy, the odds the republicans can make it an entire week without putting their feet in their or someone else’s mouth for that matter—is highly unlikely. As the most successful general and politician in the history of the blogdamn universe, I thought I might be just the guy to give the Republicans a few pointers as to just how they can pass the time without ruining this golden opportunity laid before them like a golden egg covered in platinum. So without further blogdieu, here tis’. Republicans, don’t screw it up.
If a natural disaster strikes, don’t blame it on the fact that abortion is legal. The reasons that disasters occur have been well documented by a large group of highly trained people called ‘Scientists’ who analyze ‘Data’ that leads them to ‘conclusions,’ that make you look like a fucking dunce. You’re not fooling anyone. Instead, try: Despite the natural disaster, we need to keep working on getting Americans employed. Then add ‘Jameson, do you have that jobs data I asked you for?” It’ll make it look like you know what data is.
Don’t hang out with Dick Cheney. He may shoot you in the face either on purpose or on accident. While he may not kill you, he will make you look like a bumbling dipshit. Instead of hangin with Cheney, try saying this publicly: I didn’t want to hang with Cheney partially because he’s so creepy looking, but moreso, we need to get busy working on getting Americans employed. Then add: ‘Plus I don’t want to get shot in the face.’
Don’t say you’re a proud member of the Tea Party. Outside of your gated communities, the only thing it means is that you’re a volunteer ‘Tea Bagger’. Tea Bagging is an act whereby people put their testis on your face and take a picture just so they can make fun of you later. This is not a good image for your voters to conjure of you. Try this instead: I’m excited to be a part of any group who’s ready to get working on getting Americans employed. And then add: “And by the way, I know what teabagging is, and I don’t like it.”
Don’t compare gay marriage to incest, beasteality, or say that ‘it’s just not the same thing.’ Because it is the same thing, and those first two arguments would only be said by someone too dumb to think of a logical argument. Instead, try saying: “Marriage is an important issue that needs discussing. At this time, the most important issue is making sure we put America back to work. We don’t want people who get married to have to sell their kidneys just to make ends meet whether they’re gay straight white yellow or black right?”
If you have any urges to post a picture of any part of your body, clothed or nude or text a stranger a picture of any part of your body, or have sex with anyone you are not married to, DON’T. It sounds easy, but apparently it’s not, because you morons keep doing it. If you get any of these urges, just take a good hard look at the woman or man you’ve been pretend married to for the last 20 some years, hug one of the kids you never connected with, and have a nice quiet conversation with the demons in your head. Then, when your wife discovers all the creepy shit you’re into, you can publicly say, “This divorce is my fault. I’m been spending so much time trying to get a plan together to get America back to work.” Then sing yourself a happy dance, and try and hide your pants tent from the cameras.
There you have it Republicans. If you can do these 5 simple things for the next 6 days, you will be standing at the plate staring down the biggest hanging curve-ball in the history of metaphorical baseball. Just think, when you’re rounding the metaphorical bases after you hit your home run, you can wink to your favorite intern and blow him or her the creepiest kiss you’ve ever blown, and nobody will know it.
And there you have it doubters. I’m no pinko leftist. I’m a middle of the road Joe just trying to drive my truck through the troubled streets of eternity, takin’ it one mile at a time. Till next time, keep it real America.