I’m Just Blogspitballing Here, but Let’s Invade Cuba
By Your Faithful General, George Washington
People of the Great Nation of which I founded, what in the name of Arthur St. Claire is going on here? Every morn whence I turn upon the CNN or the PBS, I see what appears to me to be nothing but one amazingly horrible news story stacked upon the other. It’s Obama sucks balls at this, Europe’s so good at that, some Islamo-fundamentalcases blew themselves up somewhere, everyone’s a diabetic fatass, and all the while the fat cats on Wall Street are shitting out Mercedes Benzes like they’re made of coffee and cigarettes.
The country’s in a state of blogdamn turmoil, and we need a swift kick to the balls to get back on our feet. And whilst thy great nation hath not formally called upon thy great General to diverge upon thee mine solution, I have done some brainstorming, and would like to throw out a suggestion. Let’s invade and then Annex Cuba. I’m just blogspitballing here, and I know it sounds crazy, but hear me out. From one bloggophile to another, it may just be the solution to all your problems.
The reason I so readily rail upon our little Caribbean foe is that just today, whence I was super-bummed by the newsstories in the cycle, I read a headline that said: “Castro Lashes Out At Obama.” “What the fuck? “I said to myself in a pithery of frustration. “I thought that guy was dead. Oh biffles.” I then continued to read the article whereby dumb old General Dipshit became enfumed because Obama suggested we could work better together if they were a bit more democratic and gave people basic human rights. Really Castro? You Castro-intestinal parasite. Are you really getting mad at Obama for stating the obvious? We’re 90 miles apart and we haven’t spoken in like 40 years, bro. Stop blaming us for your problems. Jesus H. Christmas trees. Your people are the ones sailing here via their T-shirts and truck tires, OK. Take a look in the mirror you blowhard. The only thing you have more of than crazy is age spots.
At this point, I was so angry I grabbed a bottle of my favorite scotch, which I saved from the revolution, and got to work. Then it hit me. Why not invade the shithole Cuba Castro created with his narcissistic view of Marxism, and turn it into the wonderful Cuba it could be with a little TLC, some flourescent lights, and a Los Angeles Bally’s worth of sex appeal. Duuuuuuude! Let’s make it the Vegas of the East, complete with casinos, hotels, 7-11’s, an In-N-Out Burger, and of course, a litany of drunken college skanks and whores. Verily, the Cuban peeps could stop backstroking their way to Miami, get good jobs, and get into the whole vibe of using democracy to exploit peoples’ vices. Plus, we can nationalize the bitch, and tax it at a Federal level, and use the proceeds to pay down our China-debt. Hopefully, the cherry on top would be to hire Michael Moore to documentary the whole thing, so we can show it to the crazy islamo-fundafascists in the Middle East, and prove that it’s cool because when we take over your country: we can make you rich biotches, and get you laid. And being rich and getting laid are way better than living in rural huts and blowing off your own balls only to find yourself 6 feet closer to hell.
The only problem with this plan I currently foresee would be if those eastern blockheads in Russia try and swoop in to save the day for that Cuban Dick Castro. I don’t think we have the resources or the brand of crazy to compete with those drunken fuckers. Although I won’t lie, I have been waiting for a US V USSR showdown since 1952. I’m a 38th paralleler.
Now, I don’t know if this is the best solution or not. Whence I come down of off this scotch high, I may see things differently. But verily, the message is this. We need to start thinking outside the blogdamn politically correct box and make some changes here in this country, or we’re gonna go down like those idiots on the Titanic. Sacrifice is imminent amigos, and unity is utterly crucial. Do you hear me America? You Bastards! Now go forth, and do great things.